


heather

by thelivingflop



Series: haikyuu song inspired oneshots [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Pain, heather - Freeform, so is daichi, suga is in love, suga wishes he were yui, yui is heather
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:48:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27607198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelivingflop/pseuds/thelivingflop
Summary: inspired by heather by conan gray
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi & Sugawara Koushi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Series: haikyuu song inspired oneshots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018299
Kudos: 14





	heather

**Author's Note:**

> tw: self-harm and mention of a possible eating disorder

Sugawara Kōshi still remembers the exact moment he accepted the fact that he was in love with Sawamura Daichi. It was the third of December and the two boys were in Daichi's room doing their homework. The two had been best friends for as long as they could remember and doing their homework together was a common occurrence. The room was cold as it was the middle of winter and the heating had broken. Suga shivered slightly, goosebumps raising on his slender arm. Daichi had looked over at him and wordlessly got up and handed Suga his favourite sweater. It was a deep red, half zip sweater. It had quite a vintage feel to it and Daichi adored it.

Suga took the sweater from Daichi and slipped it over his head. Suga was smaller than Daichi in every way so he almost drowned in the fabric but he didn't mind. Suga loved being wrapped up in Daichi's sweater.

"Thank you." Suga had said.

"It looks better on you than it does me." Daichi had said, while smiling fondly at Suga.

Suga snuggled into the soft material and inhaled the scent of cinnamon and pine. Suga had looked back over at Daichi who was humming a tune and smiling softly to himself. And that was when Suga realised he was in love with Sawamura Daichi.

Only if you knew how much I liked you, was the final thought Suga had as the two parted ways on the night of the third of December.

-

The final thought Suga had on the third of December still lingered in his mind a week later as the pair walked to their lockers. The atmosphere in their high school was slightly different, there seemed to be more excitement in the air and that was probably due to the fact that a big family had recently moved to the area.

"Have you run into any of the new kids yet?" Suga asked, as he punched in his locker combination.

"Yeah. One of them sat next to me in English. His name was Michimiya Kenji, he seemed nice and we got along." Daichi said, leaning against the lockers, waiting for Suga to get everything he needed. The two always ate lunch together, and therefore, always waited for each other. "Y'know, the family is a lot bigger than I thought. Kenji told me that he has six siblings but only him and three others are at this school. He said he had twin brothers who are older and a younger sister."

"Hm, I had maths with the twins." Suga said. He was very smart and was in higher classes for some subjects. "They were very loud but they seemed nice. I would peg them for the class clown type because..."

Suga trailed off when he realised Daichi wasn't paying attention to him anymore. He looked up, confused, and followed Daichi's eyes and what he saw made his heart crack slightly.

Her.

One of the new students. She was... beautiful. She had short, shiny, brown hair and deep hazel eyes. Her face was flawless and she had an air of confidence around her. Suga watched as she walked by, what a sight for sore eyes. She seemed to be brighter than a blue sky. Suga looked back up at Daichi, his eyes were opened slightly wider than usual and his mouth had formed a small 'o' shape. Suga knew that she had Daichi mesmerised and Suga felt himself die a little inside.

Suga saw Daichi shake himself out of the trance he was in and he quickly turned back to his locker and desperately tried to push the lump that sat in his throat away.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" Daichi asked.

"Oh. Uh, nothing. It wasn't important." Suga replied, quietly.

"Are you sure?" Daichi asked, suspiciously. He always had a way of knowing exactly how Suga felt.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sure."

"I'm just gonna introduce myself to the new girl. I'll be right back, wait here." Daichi said, heading off in the direction of the girl.

"Okay." Suga whispered.

Suga watched the interaction between Daichi and the girl, his heart breaking even more at every interaction. The way Suga saw a tint of pink on Daichi's cheeks and the tips of his ears, the way they both seemed to make each other laugh and the way they both got out their phones to exchange numbers all made Suga want to run away. But, he couldn't run away because then Daichi would keep pestering Suga until he told him what was wrong and this was something that Daichi could just simply not know about.

"Alright, let's go to lunch." Daichi said cheerily as he made his way back over to Suga.

"Yeah. I forgot to tell you but I have a meeting with my maths teacher at the start of lunch tomorrow so I won't be there but I'll find you later." Suga said.

"Okay." Daichi said while smiling absentmindedly. "Me and Michimiya are hanging out tonight."

"Michimiya?"

"The new girl."

"Oh. Well, I'm happy for you."

Suga couldn't tell whether what he just said was the truth or a lie. All he wanted to see was Daichi happy and hanging out with Michimiya was clearly making him happy and seeing Daichi happy made Suga happy. But Suga couldn't deny the fact that it felt like his heart was shattering.

It was the end of the day and as cliché as it sounds, Suga couldn't wait to get out of there. School was hell but this, seeing Daichi shoot quick glances at Michimiya, this was a whole new type of hell and Suga's pain only increased.

As soon as the bell rang, Suga shot out of the classroom, desperate to get home. He didn't wait to say goodbye Daichi like he normally did because Suga knew that he wouldn't be able to hold anything in if he had to face his best friend.

Suga ran all the way home, trying to prevent the tears from falling but failing miserably. He pushed open the door to his large house and prayed no one was home before stepping inside. Suga's parents were involved with the mafia and Suga knew it was only a matter of time before he was forced into it too. Suga hated his parents, they didn't love or care for him. The only reason they had a child in the first place was so someone could carry on the family name. Suga walked into the kitchen and to his dismay, found his mother standing by the stove.

His mother turned and took one look at Suga. Suga knew his probably looked like a mess right now, messy hair, tear stained face and bloodshot eyes.

"I don't want to hear a single sound coming from your room." His mother said sternly, before turning back to the stove.

"Yes mother." Suga whispered before sprinting up to his room as fast as he could.

Suga closed the door to his room as gently as he could, not wanting to anger his mother. Suga leant against the back of his door and sunk down. He held one hand over his mouth and the other over his stomach, desperate to try and muffle the sounds of his sobs. His eyes flicked over to the bedside table where he kept them. Usually, his eyes would immediately look away but today, they didn't. Suga couldn't seem to tear away his gaze from the small bedside table.

His breaths became faster and shorter and Suga placed both hands on the side of his head and squeezed his eyes shut. He tugged on his hair as he shook his head to try and rid his head of the thoughts. But they weren't going away. It had been so long since Suga had felt like this. Suga could hear the thoughts, it felt like they were being whispered in his ear. Suga whimpered and dug his nails into the palms of his hands, hoping that would provide some sort of relief. he felt better for a moment, but just a moment.

Suga felt himself being pushed closer and closer to the edge and when his front door slammed, indicating his mother had left the house, Suga knew he was about to fall at any moment. Suga's hands trembled as he pulled out his phone and headphones. He put the headphones on and made his way over to the corner of his room, pulling the quilt off of his bed in the process. Suga wrapped himself in his duvet and pressed play on his music. The soft sound of a piano filled his ears and Suga immediately began to feel himself calm down.

It was Daichi who had discovered this method to help calm Suga down. Daichi played the piano, he was self-taught but he was amazing. Suga loved to listen to Daichi play the piano, Suga would occasionally sing along, it always made him feel so calm. Suga had told Daichi this and then Daichi suggested Suga should listen to piano pieces when he felt himself lose control over his own head.

Daichi. Daichi. Daichi.

He is perfect. In every way. Suga had liked Daichi as more than a friend for a while now, he'd probably loved him for about a year but only recently did he accept it. Everything about Daichi just made Suga so much happier. He was always there for Suga, he always lifted Suga up, he was the one constant in Suga's life. The one thing that stayed the same in his sorry excuse of a life. Daichi made Suga feel alive, Suga felt like he was living when he was with Daichi, not just existing.

Suga's mind flicked back to her. Michimiya. She would be taking Suga's place soon. It was probably for the best, Daichi deserved someone like her. Beautiful, confident and probably everything Suga wasn't.

"Why would you ever kiss me?" Suga whispered to himself. "I'm not even half as pretty."

Suga kept repeating this until he fell asleep. Each time the words slipped from his lips, they seemed to become more true. Daichi would never love him and Suga just needed to accept that.

One final thought crossed Suga's mind before sleep took over.

I wish I was her.

-

Suga awoke the next morning with an uncomfortable pain in his back. He winced as he sat up and stretched, the pain was nothing he wasn't used to. Besides, it was his fault for falling asleep on his floor. Suga looked at his clock and saw he had ten minutes before he had to leave for school. He sighed before he made his way over to his wardrobe and picked out some clothes.

Suga looked at himself in the mirror. He chuckled bitterly as he took in his appearance, he looked like a walking funeral. He was dressed in all black, he had dark circles under his bloodshot eyes and his hair fell messily in front of his face. It was crazy what one bad night could do to your appearance.

Suga quietly made his way downstairs and out of the house. He didn't pick up breakfast, He didn't want to go into the kitchen and have to face one of his parents. The cold air of the outdoor immediately bit at Suga's skin and he regretted not picking up a sweater or jacket before he left. he crossed his arms over his chest to try and retain some body heat, there was no way he was going back inside his house to get a sweater or jacket.

It could be worse, Suga thought. he could be wearing a t-shirt instead of his long-sleeved, back turtleneck top.

Suga began the walk to school. Usually, he would wait for Daichi but today, Suga just wasn't sure if he could face him. Daichi would almost certainly give Suga his sweater if he saw him but Suga just couldn't shake the thought that perhaps Daichi had given his sweater to her last night when they hung out.

Suga mentally thanked any higher being out there as he made his way into school and remembered he had no classes with Daichi until after lunch time. it gave Suga time to sort himself out. If Daichi saw him like this, he would almost certainly pester Suga to no end until Suga finally gave in and told him what was wrong.

Suga could barely concentrate in his classes and with the meeting with his teacher at lunch. His thoughts wouldn't stop swirling in his head, they were all different but they all seemed to have a central theme. Daichi. Suga couldn't stop it either, no matter how hard he tried, He couldn't push Daichi from his thought.

Suga laughed bitterly to himself. That's what you get for falling in love with someone who can never be yours, he thought.

Suga stepped out into the winter air. He took a deep breath and released it, he watched as his breath turned into a white wisp before floating away into the sky. He buried his face further into the scarf he found in his locker and scolded himself for not bringing a jacket or sweater.

but Suga wasn't too fussed because Daichi would be able to give him his sweater, right?

Suga sighed before making his way over to where he and Daichi usually sat to eat lunch. well, where Daichi sat to eat lunch, Suga usually nibbled on whatever leftover food Daichi had. Daichi had, of course, picked up on this and had tried to get Suga to eat more. He was still trying now and Suga loved that about Daichi, the way he didn't give up even when his attempts seemed futile.

Suga smiled softly to himself and looked up but as soon as he did, he regretted it. Suga stopped and watched. He watched as Daichi stood there holding her hand. He put his arm round her shoulders and Suga felt a sharp pain through his chest. A sudden chill came across him and Suga shivered, getting colder.

She was wearing his deep red, half-zip sweater.

But how could Suga hate her? She's such an angel. The way she made everyone smile and feel good about themselves. The way she made everyone laugh. The way she seemed to permanently ink a look of joy on everyone's faces. The way she was just so perfect. But then again, Suga kind of wished she were dead.

"Suga!" Daichi called.

Suga felt the sharp sting of tears behind his eyes and turned around. He quickly walked in a direction that wasn't there. She was everything that Suga wasn't and it hurt so much. Suga heard quick footsteps behind him and he tried to subtly speed up. He just needed to escape. But, it didn't work because he felt a hand on his shoulder and Suga had no choice but to stop.

Suga turned and looked up at Daichi's face, locking his eyes with Daichi's beautiful brown ones.

"Suga?" Daichi asked, a look of concern written on his face. "What's wrong?"

Suga tore his gaze away from Daichi and looked at the floor, shaking his head lightly. He tried to push away the lump in his throat before looking back up at Daichi. even though Suga vision was blurred, those brown eyes were still crystal clear and Suga could almost feel them piercing his soul.

"Why would you ever kiss me?" Suga whispered. "I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater and I know it's just polyester but you like her better."

Suga looked at Daichi's face. His eyes were clouded with confusion and his mouth was open slightly. Suga smiled sadly at Daichi before turning away. As he walked away from his best friend, Suga's heart couldn't help but break a little bit more as he heard no call after him. Daichi didn't even try to say anything and that killed Suga inside. he didn't offer any words of comfort, he didn't come running after Suga, he didn't ask Suga what he meant, he didn't do anything.

As soon as Suga was sure he was out of Daichi's sight, he started sprinting. He needed to get away from this weight that seemed to settle over him, making it difficult to talk, to move, to feel. He ran and ran, his chest began to hurt after a while but Suga didn't care. Suga could hear blood rushing in his ears as he struggled to inhale enough oxygen. His head felt so tight, he just couldn't seem to escape.

Suga reached his house and slammed the door shut. He didn't care if his mother or father were here, he didn't care that he might get punished later. He didn't care. Not anymore.

Suga ran up the stairs to his room. He shut the door and leaned against it, taking laboured breaths. A small whimper escaped his lips as his knees buckled underneath him, causing him to fall the the floor. Suga squeezed his eyes shut, praying everything would just go away. Suga just wanted to be left alone.

Suga opened his eyes and shakily pushed himself to his feet. He made his way over to his bed and watched his hand tremble as it opened the bedside drawer and bring out the box. Suga wasn't thinking anymore. How could he? All he wanted to do was escape this weight and this pain.

Suga opened the box and came face to face with an army of his worst enemy. Razor blades. Some were dull and encrusted with blood, others were shiny and looked almost brand new. Everything looked and sounded distorted as Suga reached into the box and pulled out one. He just needed to be able to breathe again.

Suga rolled up the left sleeve of his top to reveal hundreds of scars already sitting there. There were no fresh ones, Suga had been clean for so long now. Daichi had helped him. Daichi. Daichi. Daichi.

Daichi.

Suga felt a single tear fall down his face as he brought the razor up to his forearm. The razor rested against his arm, not piecing the skin. Suga looked at his trembling hand and willed it to do something.

"Do it." Suga whispered. "Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it."

It didn't matter how many times Suga repeated the two words, his hand didn't do anything. It just held the razor. Suga was becoming frustrated, why wasn't his hand doing anything? Why couldn't he do it?

"Why can't you do it?" Suga said, his voice raised. "Just do it for fucks sake! I can't take it anymore, just do it!"

Suga let out a frustrated cry as he threw the razor across his room. He bought his knees up to his chest and hugged them. Silent tears made their way down his face as he pretended to not know the reason why he couldn't do it. He couldn't do it because as much as he thought he hated Daichi right now, he didn't want to disappoint him.

Suga lay down on his bed and shut his eyes. He just wanted to escape and sleep seemed to be the only way to do that. Suga knew his dreamworld was fucked but he was sure anything was better than this. As he slipped away, Suga hoped that this weight wouldn't follow him into his dreams.

-

Suga awoke to someone incessantly banging on his front door. He groaned and threw his blanket over his head, hoping to muffle out the banging. God, it was annoying. Why couldn't the person at the door get the idea that no one was coming to the door.

The banging didn't stop and Suga was becoming very annoyed. All he wanted to do was sleep, surely that wasn't too much to ask for.

"Fucking shut up already!" Suga yelled.

The banging stopped for a moment before it carried on again. Suga was sure that whatever higher being was up there hated him with a passion.

Suga clenched his fists together and he felt tears of frustration sting the back of his eyes. He got up out of bed and messily pushed his hair back so it wouldn't fall in front of his face. Suga stormed downstairs, he wasn't in a good mood and he was going to make sure whoever was on the other side of his front door knew that.

Suga opened the door and was greeted by a pair of all too familiar eyes, their owner clutching a deep red, half-zip sweater.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.


End file.
